I Live To Let You Shine

"but you can skyrocket away from me
and never come back if you find another galaxy
far from here with more room to fly
just leave me your stardust to remember you by"
-"Boats and Birds" by Gregory and The Hawk

The Locket
I was under pressure, when I heard his lies.
I was head-heels deep, when we said goodbye.
Never breathed a word, locked it all away,
Vowed I'd take my locket to the grave.
And in the dark I left my locket rust.
Swore to God never again would I trust
The lies of men as they lie next to me
Begged the world to let me go free.

I was spinning out, needed something new.
I was losing hope, when I first met you.
Nearly lost my mind, talked the night away
Dusted off my locket, thought I'd never say.
Hard as I tried, I couldn't get it opened.
The words inside, felt like an explosion
Of hurt and pain, the feelings flowing out.
So I hid myself among my fear and self-doubt.

But you saw through it,
Tore the locket from my hands.
I screamed and cried,
But you wouldn't give it back.
You pulled and tugged,
Wouldn't stop until it broke.
The light poured out,
And you embraced the exposed.

--

Fuck.

I wish I were better at writing these. I hate how bad I am at getting the words out. I really need to find a better way to express myself.

Last night I really realized how I felt about something. I'm probably not going to talk about it on here or even write bad poetry about it. It's not a big deal. Let's just say that I might not have gotten what I wanted out of it, but instead, I got something priceless. For that, I'm very grateful. :3 And really I don't have any room to whine, recently my life has been going rather easy.

On a similar note, I also let go of something I've been holding onto for a very long time. It was unhealthy. I'd been misplacing the blame for a very long time, when really all that matters is that it happened and that I need to move on because everyone else has.

Note: the title/lyrics at the beginning have nothing to do with the poem. I just really love that song. A Wish is also an amazing song by them.

Music You Should Check Out:
-Gregory and the Hawk [band]
-The Hazards of Love [album] by The Decemberists
-Tegan and Sara [band]
-The Mario Kart Love Song. :3
-My Brightest Diamond [band]
-Eisley [band]
-The Dolly Song by Holly Dolly. XD

Nothing is Permanent. Everything is Temporary.

You sit down on a couch and are overwhelmed by an old familiar feeling. It's an exhaustion, the kind you can't get rid of by taking a nap. It's the crash after an all time high, the fall back to Earth, as you realize nothing ever lasts. Where did it go wrong? It seems only yesterday you were so happy. You look back and can barely even remember where it went right.

It starts with a "Hello, nice to meet you," and an embarrassing faux pas on your part. You always makes the worst first impressions. But you bounce back and begin talking. It turns into little inside jokes and "What's up?" texts. Suddenly, you're spending all your weekends together and staying up until the wee hours of the morning, revealing all your deepest hope and fears. Things you can't usually say come pouring out. And you realize that a trust, previously unknown to you, forms between you. That's when you take a big step back. There's no way that it can be real. You're moving too fast. You're allowing yourself to become closer to them than they are to you. Why would they like you? You're awkward and clingy and annoying. You try to avoid them, but just can't. And one day by an unfortunate slip of the tongue, it comes out. Their reply, "You shouldn't feel that way. You can trust me."

And there it is. Trust, for the first time in a long time. You care about each other. You respect each other. Is it love? No, never. It's just a friendship, one of the best, even. It's spontaneous and freeing. It's pure and the best thing you've ever felt. Even the little fights are beautiful. You're on cloud nine. There's no more insecurities, no more worrying about tomorrow. For the first time, you have been accepted by a group of people that you actually fit in with. In fact, every aspect of your life has improved. Your grades are better. You find it easier to be nicer to people. You've even lost weight and cleaned up your look. And you begin to actually believe that life is going to be like this from here on out.

But nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary.

In retrospect, the downfall had been in the making before it even began. Your parents sit you down and talk about how you're never home any more. They complain about having to take you places and then claim it would be inconsiderate to make someone else always pick you up. Your old friends make snide little comments about how you're never around any more, when they never wanted to hang out before. But you don't really mind. Sure you care what they think, but you're not going to let it stand in the way of the first time in your life that you've ever felt like you belonged. No, that's not what made it go wrong.

No, that job is yours. You've always been your own worst enemy. Trust never came easy to you. Eventually, things will get to you and break down. It's little things that will tear you apart. Those little comments they make that make you think "maybe they aren't that different." The doubts fester over time, and one day it explodes in your mind. You become convinced that they're not only better off without you, but are only friends with you out of some sort of pity. Because secretly they can't stand you.

You take a deep breath and reevaluate the situation because you know that's not true. They still care about you. There's no denying that that. They text you asking if you want to do something this weekend. You say you're busy. It's not a total lie, but you still could do something if you wanted. Still you lie, because it doesn't matter if whether they like you or not.

It's because I can't let you love me.

--

I wrote that awhile back ago. I got over it so I didn't post it. But I recently wrote a poem that this gives a little perspective to.

Written for Creative Writing. Freshman Year

Miss Autumn's my favorite.

Sonnet for a Soldier

"Oh, listen to the sound silence that fills
For endless time is standing so still here
I can see forever through these long hills
Stay ever close to me tonight my dear.

It is hard to say when I shall return
I know not if Fate is harsh, but know please
That every night I am away I'll yearn
For fair maiden whom angels call Louise."

This is what he told me before he went
To fight for our children to grow up free.
So many days I smiled thought I felt spent.
The men returned, but he, I couldn't see.

Then out from the crowd, the beautiful sight,
An angel with revolver came forward so bright.

Miss Autumn

Who killed Miss Autumn?
For that beautiful hair of auburn
Lays fallen on the floor.
To rise again nevermore

Was it Miss Summer, jealous of her smile?
Or was it Miss Spring, her bitter rival?
Oh but whom of these is the most bitter?
Why none other than Miss Winter!

For Winter must've strangled Autumn
With those hands cold as icicles become
Oh how could that cruel mistress end it all
How could someone watch end of Fall?

Repetitions

Teach me how
To live in a sea of black
Please crush my spirit
Make me like one of the pack

Teach me how
To tease timid little mice
With catty remarks my claws
I'll have no reason, I'm as cold as ice

Teach me how
To rage against my life
Make my happy thoughts
Turn to thoughts of toil and strife.

But ha! not me! I am alive
I don't wish to live to die
I live for today may be my last
No time to sulk, life goes to fast

I'll dance though the crowd may stare
I'll love the ones you desert
I'll sing even if all can hear
I'll live like it's Heaven on Earth

The Image of a Young Bride

Her radiance shines and lights
Which ever room she graces.
And when the setting sun blazes
Through a window, it glorifies her might.
Then she greets the night:
The moonlight she embraces.
Dressed in a nightgown full of laces,
She is a precious sight.

With elegance, morning breaks,
Peeking through the window.
Slowly, Sleeping Beauty wakes
Next to a man with his voice so low.
Her dainty hands, his rough ones take.
They have forever for their love to grow.

A Foggy Morning

Stealthy as a cat, creeping cross the floor,
He walks past his young wife sleeping like a dog.
To make his way to open the front door,
And as he does, he disappears into the fog.

With each step, his heart grew sadder
As he lived up to his fatal mistake.
She could not know of this matter
So he must look like a flake.

Through the fog, the church bell did ring.
So proud and true the sound!
Suddenly his foe with grace did spring!
The man fell silent upon the ground.

Now with each passing day, the young widow's heart grows sore.
For she will never know that his love for her shall grow forever more.

---

I had a flair for the dramatic. >.> We were going over Shakespeare in English at the time too.