Nothing is Permanent. Everything is Temporary.

You sit down on a couch and are overwhelmed by an old familiar feeling. It's an exhaustion, the kind you can't get rid of by taking a nap. It's the crash after an all time high, the fall back to Earth, as you realize nothing ever lasts. Where did it go wrong? It seems only yesterday you were so happy. You look back and can barely even remember where it went right.

It starts with a "Hello, nice to meet you," and an embarrassing faux pas on your part. You always makes the worst first impressions. But you bounce back and begin talking. It turns into little inside jokes and "What's up?" texts. Suddenly, you're spending all your weekends together and staying up until the wee hours of the morning, revealing all your deepest hope and fears. Things you can't usually say come pouring out. And you realize that a trust, previously unknown to you, forms between you. That's when you take a big step back. There's no way that it can be real. You're moving too fast. You're allowing yourself to become closer to them than they are to you. Why would they like you? You're awkward and clingy and annoying. You try to avoid them, but just can't. And one day by an unfortunate slip of the tongue, it comes out. Their reply, "You shouldn't feel that way. You can trust me."

And there it is. Trust, for the first time in a long time. You care about each other. You respect each other. Is it love? No, never. It's just a friendship, one of the best, even. It's spontaneous and freeing. It's pure and the best thing you've ever felt. Even the little fights are beautiful. You're on cloud nine. There's no more insecurities, no more worrying about tomorrow. For the first time, you have been accepted by a group of people that you actually fit in with. In fact, every aspect of your life has improved. Your grades are better. You find it easier to be nicer to people. You've even lost weight and cleaned up your look. And you begin to actually believe that life is going to be like this from here on out.

But nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary.

In retrospect, the downfall had been in the making before it even began. Your parents sit you down and talk about how you're never home any more. They complain about having to take you places and then claim it would be inconsiderate to make someone else always pick you up. Your old friends make snide little comments about how you're never around any more, when they never wanted to hang out before. But you don't really mind. Sure you care what they think, but you're not going to let it stand in the way of the first time in your life that you've ever felt like you belonged. No, that's not what made it go wrong.

No, that job is yours. You've always been your own worst enemy. Trust never came easy to you. Eventually, things will get to you and break down. It's little things that will tear you apart. Those little comments they make that make you think "maybe they aren't that different." The doubts fester over time, and one day it explodes in your mind. You become convinced that they're not only better off without you, but are only friends with you out of some sort of pity. Because secretly they can't stand you.

You take a deep breath and reevaluate the situation because you know that's not true. They still care about you. There's no denying that that. They text you asking if you want to do something this weekend. You say you're busy. It's not a total lie, but you still could do something if you wanted. Still you lie, because it doesn't matter if whether they like you or not.

It's because I can't let you love me.

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I wrote that awhile back ago. I got over it so I didn't post it. But I recently wrote a poem that this gives a little perspective to.